December 10, 2015

When I got the mail yesterday, there was an invitation for me to sign up for AARP…my first thought was there must be some mistake I am not old enough to sign up for AARP but it was no mistake, I turned 50 years old this year.  My boys teased me that I was a half of century old and almost halfway through my life.  I had friends ask me how it felt to be turning 50 and getting so old but it really didn’t and doesn’t bother me because you see it is just a number.  I don’t feel 50 and according to my children I don’t act 50 either.  The one thing that I love about getting older, that I have found to be true for me, is you learn to appreciate the small things.  When I was younger and people would compare me to my mom I would get indignant and think to myself I am nothing like my mom but things have changed. 

 

Michael and I have both lost our moms and I have made sure that we all have ornaments that have pictures of them to hang on our trees.  My oldest grandson was looking at the ornaments on his tree and he pointed out to me that there was a picture of me on the tree.  I just smiled and explained to him that it wasn’t me even though it looked like me it was my mom and that she lived with our Heavenly Father now.  He said to me, “like Dexter?”  Dexter is our dog we had to put to sleep earlier this year.  I replied, “Yes, like Dexter.”  This simple statement started me thinking about my mom and I have found that more and more I will do something or say something and I immediately think, “on my gosh, I am my mom.”  I have had people that knew my mom say to me that if they caught a glimpse of me across a room they would swear it was my mom.  I don’t become indignant anymore when people tell me this because I am proud to be like my mom.  She was a great grandma and made sure that each one of her grandchildren knew that she loved them.  She was a great mom and I can only hope that I have been the best mom possible to my own boys.

 

There are benefits to getting older  and there are some things that I wished that I had learned earlier in my life.  Things that used to bother me just don’t anymore. I have learned and I am still learning not to sweat the small stuff.  The laundry will get done and the grandbabies don’t really care if the floor is clean enough to eat off.  No one really thinks twice about Michael and I taking naps in the afternoon on the weekend because you see we are getting old. I do wish that I had learned to love myself for who I am and not compare myself to others just a little earlier in my life and to do the things that make me happy instead of worrying what others will think of me.

October 28, 2015

It is that time of the year again……life starts to wind down after a very busy summer.  The boat, pool and trailer have been winterized and the last mowing of the yard is complete.  We have put away the pool toys and have found the ice melt and snow shovels.  I am hoping that we have a few more weeks or months before the winter storms arrive but experience tells me that sooner rather than later we will be looking at snow.  The time change occurs this weekend and I have a love/hate attitude about it.  I love getting that extra hour of sleep and yes I know it is all in my mind, it really isn’t an extra hour but that is what I tell myself. I love spending the evenings cuddled up with a favorite book or watching movies with Michael without feeling guilty that we should be working on some project outside. One of the downsides is it takes time for me to adjust to the switch.  I read a study somewhere that says that women have a harder time adjusting to the switch.  A man takes about a week and a women it can take up to two weeks to adjust. Another downside to the time change is it gets dark early which makes it difficult for Michael to find addresses in the dark and that makes his days sometimes longer which triggers my anxiety at times.  

 

As most of you know, I have struggled with terrible anxiety over the last year.  After talking with my doctor she suggested that we try some medication to see if that would help.  I have been on it about 2 months and it has been an adjustment.  The medication does help the anxiety but it comes with other side effects that I am not happy about.  The question is now is it worth having the anxious feelings gone and deal with the other side effects or do I stop the medication and try and find another way to deal with the anxiety.  I am still trying to figure this one out.  Only time will tell, I guess.

September 16, 2015

Just this past Saturday evening Michael and I had just crawled into bed around 10:45 pm,  after a very busy day, when my cell phone rang and it was our middle son, Tyler.  As I answered the phone I could hear his 8 month son screaming in the background and he says to me, “Mom, can you come?  A car has smashed into our house.”  As we jumped out of bed and hurriedly got dressed, my mind was racing and the worst case scenarios were forefront in my mind. We only live a few minutes from him and as we parked a block and half from his house we could see all the emergency vehicles and all the onlookers.  It took a minute or two for us to take in the full scene but we quickly located our son, his wife and our grandson to make sure that they were okay and unharmed.  As we talked with the police at the scene and the witnesses to the accident, we began to realize how fortunate they were and I truly believe that my Heavenly Father looked after them and others that night.

 

A drunk driver, going about 90 miles an hour, in their residential neighborhood, lost control and hit our son’s car (parked in his driveway), his garage and his deck on the front of his house. He luckily missed a group of teenagers before he hit my son’s property.

 

As we have helped with the cleanup, insurance adjusters, and helped them to cope with this challenge we realize that things could have turned out much differently.  What if those teenagers had got out of their car just a split second sooner, what if Tyler’s car had not been parked where it was in the driveway, that truck would have hit the deck and gone through the front living room window, causing more structural damage to the house. We had visited Tyler earlier in the day at his house and he had told us that his plan for the evening was to clean out his garage and get it organized.  He decided at the last minute instead to watch a video with his wife in bed….what if he had been in the garage at the time the truck hit his car, pushing it into the garage and sending the fridge in his garage, careening into the back wall? Yes, definitely someone was watching out for them.

 

Even though it has been a headache for them, they keep reminding themselves that it could have turned out much differently and that what they lost were just possessions that can be replaced.

August 25, 2015

I find it interesting that on those days in our lives that can be considered pivotal how many details we can remember even as we get older.  It was 30 years ago, a day that for me was pivotal, I became a mom for the first time.  Michael and I had been married for just over 5 months, I was 19 years old and he was the ripe old age of 20.  We were managing a motel in downtown Salt Lake City and his brother in law had just fired him from his company.  We had settled in to watch the movie, “Runaway” with Tom Selleck when I realized that maybe the backache that I had all day could be something else.  By midnight I was pretty sure that I was in labor and we decided to go to the hospital.  We called my mom and dad and they were coming back from Bear Lake with my grandparents but said they would come to the hospital as soon as they got in town.  By 3:14 am, Brandon was here and we were parents.  He was the first grandchild to my parents and the first great grandchild.

 

We made lots of mistakes with Brandon but he was resilient and survived our attempts at parenting.  He has grown into this amazing man who loves his wife and he is a great dad to his two sons. He is such a great help to his dad and I and we appreciate all he does for us.  As I drove into work this morning I realized something...I am working at the same hospital that Brandon was born at and everyday I drive by the motel that we managed 30 years ago. It is hard to believe that I can be old enough to have a 30 year old son. I certainly do not feel that old but I guess it is all in the way you look at things.

 

July 30, 2015

This week has been a tough one in regards to my anxiety. I am not really sure why I am having such an issue but I am.  I just feel like I am wound so tight that one little thing is going to unravel me and I am just going to collapse on the floor in an emotional puddle.  My mind has just been racing from one anxious thought to another, worrying about everything and coming up with all the worst case scenarios for everything else.  I am irritable and grouchy.  I am finding it hard to sit at my desk at work and when I go home I am finding it hard to relax and just be.  I have been trying to use all the techniques that I learned from the counselor that I saw recently and it is hit or miss whether they work this week. It is exhausting to feel this way. I hate feeling like this but sometimes feel that I don’t have any control over it no matter how hard I try and control it.  And then I realized that may be part of my problem……trying to control it,  when I should just let go.

 

I am a huge fan of the series, Criminal Minds and there is an episode where Penelope and Rossi are walking out together after a challenging case for them and Penelope asks Rossi if he has ever wanted to just unplug from the world for a while.  Rossi asks her for her tablet, cell phone, other cell phone and decides for her that she is coming to his house to just relax and unplug for the evening. After watching me struggle all week with the anxiety my Hubby last night decided that enough was enough.  At 8:30 pm, he took my cell phone away and sent me to enjoy a bubble bath and read my new book, taking the control away from me and leaving me no choice but to try and relax. He also stated that from now on I am not to answer my cell phone after 8:30 pm at night.  He said that he will tell the children that if they need us or are having an emergency they can send a text message and one of us will respond. His reasoning for this is sometimes when I answer the phone, especially at night,  I get stuck on it and then I miss out on “me”  time and he knows that I need that time to recharge. I will admit that for a split second I wanted to argue the point but then He gave me “the look” and I complied.  Sometimes I just need to be able to give up the control and just let go.

July 24, 2015

For most people today is just an ordinary Friday but if you live in the state of Utah today is a holiday.  Some refer to it as Pioneer Day but officially it is called the Days of ’47.  It is a holiday commemorating the arrival of the first pioneers to the Salt Lake Valley in July of 1847.  There is a children’s parade that took place a few nights ago, a rodeo that has been going on for the last week, a horse parade last night, a marathon, a HUGE parade that starts first thing this morning and fireworks tonight. It is a state holiday so most businesses are closed today.  The Days of ’47 parade is the oldest parade in the United States and the first one was held in July of 1849.

 

I remember as a child, dressing up and  walking in the children’s parade and as a mom with three boys, walking with them in the parade.  As a teenager and being active in the marching band in high school we marched in the main parade. It is a long parade and most years it was HOT but we survived and I have some great memories to look back on.  There were a couple of times as a teenager I remember camping out overnight on the parade route so that you could have the best spot to watch the parade. We didn’t sleep much on those nights but oh the fun we had.  I know that there are still families that do that.  Honestly, I prefer now to just stay home and watch the parade.  This year I am working so I will miss the parade. I love the Days of  ’47 and it reminds me of the pioneer heritage that I have and the all the sacrifices that those pioneers made.  I am not sure if I would have made it as a pioneer.

 

It is really nice to have an extra holiday in July but it also signals the beginning of the end of summer for me. Technically, we have the whole month of August to enjoy the summer but it seems like things start to wind down and gear up for the fall.  When I had children at home, we started to think about back to school and everything that includes.  The pool was long forgotten in August and plans were usually being  made to spend one more trip out camping on Labor Day and then of course the holidays and all that entails starts to creep in. I am trying really hard to just enjoy August and put everything else on the back burner this year.  I hope that you are enjoying your summer.

 

July 1, 2015

Has anyone else noticed that there has been a lot of negativity in the world lately? It seems like every time I turn on the news at night or log onto social media there is an abundance of intolerance and unkindness going on. I was on Facebook the other night and there was stuff about the ongoing debate about the confederate flag, upholding gay marriage and the bashing of an author.  I couldn’t’ help but think to myself….why is everyone being so unkind?  What good is this really doing for anyone?  What happen to the saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  I remember as a child, growing up with my 4 siblings,  my mom would sing us this silly song every time she caught one of us being unkind to each other.  “I want to be kind to everyone for that is right you see.  So I say to myself, remember this….Kindness begins with me.”

 

What an entirely different world we would live in if we took to heart this simple advice!!  Kindness begins with me.

 

We don’t have to agree with everything that someone else likes or dislikes but  why can’t we be tolerant of that person and allow them to have their beliefs and opinions and live their life the way they chose to live it.  We don’t all like to read the same books or watch the same movies but in the grand scheme of things, does that really matter? Why can’t we just agree that we all have differing opinions, views and beliefs and just be kind to each other?  It doesn’t take a lot of time to be kind, a simple smile when you pass someone in the hall at school or work.  A heart felt thank you.  A hug, even a cyber hug, when you know someone is struggling.

 

I know that I am not perfect and sometimes I judge when I shouldn’t but I am really going to try and be more kind in my own life and hopefully my example will rub off on others.

June 24, 2015

For the last year I have been dealing with this annoying creature called….Anxiety.  I have never been an anxious person but all of a sudden here it was.  That unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, the dread of waiting for the next shoe to drop and the constant, run away thoughts in my mind.  I am still not sure what triggered the anxiety, whether it was the fact Hubby and I became “empty-nesters”, he switched and started a new job or maybe it is hormone based since I will be turning 50 years old this year.  Whatever triggered it, it has been a challenge for me to deal with.  Michael has been trying his best to be there for me, even going to the extreme of letting our son put an app on his cell phone that allowed me to know where he was in the valley during the day.  He can’t always answer his phone during the day and some days I really just need some connection with him. I found myself constantly talking myself out of being anxious and it was exhausting.  It took a tremendous effort for me to even go to work, I just wanted to stay at home, where for the most part I could keep the anxious feelings at  bay. 

 

One evening about 6 months ago I realized what a negative effect  this anxiety was having on my life when it took Michael an hour to convince me, in the middle of the night, that the “charley horse” in my leg was simply that a “charley horse”  from walking and not drinking enough water and not a blood clot.  I decided that it was time for me to seek some professional help for the issue. I work for a healthcare company and they offer free, confidential counseling for issues like this.  I made the appointment and actually kept the appointment even though it made me extremely anxious, thinking about talking with someone about it. What if they thought I was crazy? What if it was all in my head? What if it wasn’t just anxiety but something else, something serious?

 

After meeting with this understanding counselor, she helped me to see that I was stuck in a “catastrophic” thinking pattern. I could turn a simple thought into a worst case scenario and my “what if’s” thoughts were endless. I could get myself talked out of one thought only to have another pop up.  It seemed like I spent all day dealing with them.  She taught me some skills that helped me to challenge the thoughts that I was having and ask the question “so what?”  She also reminded me of the importance of staying in the present.

 

So six months later, I feel like I am dealing better with the anxiety.  There are still days that I feel completely overwhelmed by it. I never know what will trigger the thoughts, some days something will happen and I will get the unsettled feeling in my stomach, but on those days I try to be gentle with myself and remind myself to stay in the present, that this too shall pass.  Michael constantly reminds that “life is good” and we have so much to be thankful for.

 

Love

Lisa

I am finally starting to feel like we are getting back into the swing of things at our house.  Michael and I spent 10 days in Texas at the beginning of May and I think we were both suffering from “vacation hangover.”  We had a wonderful time there and it was worth all the planning and saving that we did to make it happen.  We celebrated 30 years of marriage in March and decided that this trip would be a great way to celebrate it.  It was really the first big vacation that we have taken without our children.  Michael is a history buff and so we made a point of  making sure that we saw the historical sites in the area.  We visited the Alamo, the Lyndon B. Johnson museum and ranch and the JFK sites in Dallas.  It was such an eerie feeling standing on the corner by the book depository and thinking about the events that took place there. We missed all the rain and flooding in the area that happened just after we came home.   We spent one day just road tripping through the Hill County of Texas and ended up in Bandera, where we had dinner with two women that I have only known on the internet but was finally able to meet in person.  It felt like we had been friends forever.  One of the highlights of our trip, for me at least, was finally meeting two of the authors that I love, respect and adore.  I have read their books and interacted with them on social media but until this trip had not meet them face to face.  What a wonderful opportunity!!  These two women in person, are just as they appear on social media….. inspiring, gracious, classy, genuine and their husbands are also.

 

This trip was a opportunity for Michael and I to reconnect and spend some quality time together.  It was trip that we made some wonderful memories and will be able to look back on them and remember all the people we met and the places we visited. Even though we can’t always take trips like this because of the cost, I think trips like this are good for the soul and help you to step back and reconnect and remember what is really important in life…..relationships and spending time with those you love.

April 22, 2015

It has been a couple of days of extreme happiness and extreme sorrow in my life.  I guess that is the way life goes sometimes though.  Hubby and I traveled to Boise, Idaho this past weekend to see our newest grandbaby. She is our first granddaughter and our fourth grandbaby, three of those have been born in the last six months.  As I cuddled her in my arms I couldn’t help but think about how blessed my life was and how grateful I am to have everything I have, including these new grandbabies. This was the extreme happiness.

 

Six weeks ago my niece gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at 24 wks. She lives in southern Utah, about 5 hours from me and he was life flighted about 2 weeks ago to a hospital just an hour from me.  It has been a constant fight for him and on Sunday evening she called me and asked if I would go and sit by his bedside until she and my sister could get there because he wasn’t going to survive.  What a humbling experience it was!  As I sat there and sang songs to him and told him stories, a little bit of guilt crept in and I couldn’t help but think how unfair it was that I had four grandchildren and my sister was losing one of hers.  But then it occurred to me that she was the lucky one, she had been blessed with a special grandson. Not that all the grandbabies aren’t special but according to my religious beliefs this little guy was such a special spirit that he only needed to be here long enough to receive his body and then he could return to his Heavenly Father.  This was the extreme sorrow.

 

These two experiences have once again reaffirmed to me the fact that life is fragile. We should not take our loved ones for granted and they need to know how much we love and appreciate them.  Life can be tough at times and we need friends and family around us that we can rely on to share the burdens.  I am grateful for friends and family that have been there for me to appreciate the happiness in my life but who are also there to grieve with me.

March 30, 2015

I have been feeling very emotional the last few days and I am not sure if it is PMS or the fact that I have had one of those “aha, take your breath away moments” on Sunday. As I watched my 3.5 year old grandson, Oliver dump the two big tubs of Legos out onto my living room floor, I was transported just for a moment back to the days when I was raising the three boys and I was given a glimpse of what it used to be like.  It seemed that there was constantly Legos, Lincoln logs, or matchbox cars on my floor and then I realized something else….

 

My youngest son, MY baby, is having his first baby this week!!

 

That thought in itself, had the power to blindside me just for a moment and I asked myself….. How did I get to this point in my life? Where did the time go?  It seems like only yesterday I was in the midst of the chaos of raising children and even though I will always be a “mom” I realized that part of my life is over….done.  Now I guess I could be sad and look at this in a negative light but I have two friends that reminded me that first of all, I need to take a moment and remember and be grateful for all that I have had and especially for what I have now.  I love my life and the fact that Michael and I have time for just us now. I love being a grandma.  Life is about transitions and even though we have these transitions, we have our memories. We are building new memories with our adult children and grandchildren.  Nothing stays the same. I am grateful for friends that I can share those “Aha-take your breath away moments” with and they remind me that life is precious.

March 11, 2015

Spring has sprung!!  Well, at least in my neck of the woods it has.  I know that I have friends scattered around the country who are still dealing with winter but we had a pretty mild winter this year and I am seeing signs of spring, I have new baby fish in my pond, my roses have little green buds on them and my spring flowers are blooming. I know that I will probably be moaning about the fact that we have no water this summer but for the moment I am glad to have spring upon us.

 

I have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year. I hate the fact that the time change occurs this time of the year.  I really hate losing that hour of sleep and it seems to take me a couple of weeks to adjust to it but I love that fact that it stays lighter at night and I can enjoy spending time outside. I love leaving work at 2:00 pm and knowing that I get to enjoy the warm weather and blue skies.  One of my favorite things to do this time of the year is to sit out in the front yard of my house and soak up the sun. We have a south facing house and we get lots of sun there, a good book and sunshine and I am a content soul.  I love seeing the new flowers and new growth everywhere but it reminds me that it is time to do the annual yard cleanup.  We have two dogs and the yard has not been cleaned up since early this winter.  It is a huge job and usually takes a couple of days.  We have an above ground pool at our house and surrounding it, is sand so we literally have a beach in our backyard.  I love my backyard when I am finally done with the cleanup but I am not looking forward to doing it.  I am hoping to get started on it this week if the weather will cooperate.  Even though it is not one of my favorite chores to do, I do love the fact that I can plug in my IPod and be alone with my thoughts and music while I work in the yard.  Sometimes it is exactly what I need.  It will soon be time to switch out the winter clothes for the spring/summer clothes.  I am looking forward to being able to wear my sandals and skirts again.  I am tired of wearing the dark clothes and I am looking forward to spring/summer colors again.

 

What are you most looking forward this spring?

 

February 3, 2015

I am sure that we have all had experiences in our lives that have taught us a valuable lesson or changed our perspective on life.  I have had a few of them.  The first one was when I married Michael. Here I was just 19 years old and becoming a wife and partner to him. It was no longer just about me.  I know that we were going to have to work together as a couple to make our marriage work.  It wasn’t going to be easy and we were going to face challenges but together we could do it if we put our partner first and worked together.

 

The second experience happened just a few short months after I was married and that was the day they laid my newborn son in my arms.  I was completely overwhelmed and realized then that life wasn’t going to be the same.  It was no longer just the two of us, there was now three of us and we were going to be responsible for another person.  We were going to have to put his needs above our needs.  That feeling was repeated two more times over the years as we added to our family.

 

In 1999, my husband was involved in a pretty serious car accident.  We had three young boys and I had just gone back to work full time.  Michael spent 4 weeks in the ICU and another week in rehab, recovering from a broken neck and multiple other broken bones. When he finally was able to come home, he was laid up for another 4 months.  It was probably one of the biggest and scariest challenges we had faced.  There were days that I wasn’t sure that I was going to make it.  But it taught us both that when the chips are down and we are faced with something that seems overwhelming, we COULD and CAN do it!!

 

On February 3, 2010 my mom passed away suddenly and unexpectedly.  Once again my perspective on life changed and I was taught a valuable lesson…..life is short and we have no guarantees.  We need to live our lives so that when it is our time we have no regrets.  There is no room for grudges, hard feelings or judgments.  Good friends, family, love, kindness and acceptance…that is what matters.

 

January 20, 2015

It was mentioned to me a couple of weeks ago that I have raised three "mama's boys". At first I was upset with this statement because it has such a negative feeling for me.  But I mentioned it to my daughter in laws and they agreed that I have indeed raised three "mama's boys" but they added that they hoped that their boys will be "mama's boys" also.

I have given it some thought over the last few weeks and have come to this conclusion.  If raising three boys to be hardworking, loving, respectful men who love their wives and are dedicated to them and their children means that I have raised "mama's boys" that I have indeed raised "mama's boys."  I know their families and their needs will always come before their own. Their dad and I worked hard to provide for them and to set an example for them to follow.  There isn't a week that goes by that those three "mama's boys" don't check in with me with a phone call or a simple text message.  They are always calling for advice and sometimes I have to remind them that I am not the expert in cars or appliances, for that they need to call their dad.  I know that these "mama's boys" would do just about anything that I needed them to do for me or their dad.

I am grateful for the three "mama's boys" that I have raised and hope that my sons will raise their own "mama's boys."

January 5, 2015

Happy 2015!!  Whew!!  Huge sigh of relief.  The holidays are officially over for me.  The holidays are always a challenge for me and even though I love them, I am glad when they are over and life can get back to some sense of normal, whatever normal is.

 

I gave up making New Year’s resolutions a number of years ago because it seemed like I would make the same ones over and over again…lose weight, stop yelling at my children, save money and many more that I can’t think of at this time.  I would start out strong and by February 1^st, they would be forgotten and I would feel like I failed once again.

 

Just a couple of years ago I resolved not to make resolutions but to just “be present” in my life.  To live my life the way I want to live it. To seize the day. To slow down. To do something for myself every single day whether it is reading one of my favorite authors, taking a Zumba class, taking a walk with my Hubby, getting a massage, taking a bubble bath or just lazing in the sun.

 

This has worked well for me and so once again that is what I promise to do this year….take care of me!!  When I take care of me, then I can take care of the other important people in my life.